Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize