1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
honey bunches of taint.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
