I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
