The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
