I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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