his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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