seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When are your genitals available?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
