So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
