you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize