How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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