Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
