Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
