even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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