he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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