The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
