So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
