i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
