Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
