I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
