umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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