she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
