Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize