My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
