Where is the hickey?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
