do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
