My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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