I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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