shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
