the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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