I could make wine with my vomit
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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