I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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