I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
