Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
