so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
