Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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