they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
