Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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