If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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