I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
only if we run a train.
done.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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