For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
