I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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