I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
