You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
