my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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