do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
