Fine. I'll sleep in my office
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
