Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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