I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
whose ass print is on the piano?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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