I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize