Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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