I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
