Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
