Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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