Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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