yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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