saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she pinky promised me she was 18
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who died my cat blue again?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
