You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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