a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
