I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
